Monday, August 6, 2012


Next week Whit will start Kindergarten. Yes, that child is five. No, I cannot believe it. The twins’ fifth birthday was especially hard this year…Whit asked us to get Webb a cake as well. I called to order two small cookie cakes (knowing I couldn’t do it in person), and the girl taking my order said, “You have twins?!? You’re so lucky.” I just said, “Thank you.” Watching Whit sing to Webb, blow out his candles, cry when he didn’t understand why he doesn’t remember him, that was all as horrific as you would expect. Watching only one red curly haired boy race out to his big boy bike was enough to bring me to my knees. I kept remembering the twins’ first birthday and how Webb dug into the cake and smiled his precious little grin. I don’t know how we have celebrated four more birthdays without him. So next week, Whit will walk into school with his brother Bo and begin his academic career. Kindergarten. I am constantly wondering what Webb would have been like at 5, how he would have related to his other two brothers, what he’d be saying about Kindergarten. Luckily, Whit’s age prevents him from realizing the enormous gaping hole the rest of us will see when those two walk into the door of the school next week. This was one of those milestones I’ve looked forward to and dreaded all at once. It’s a big one, and it’s hard, and I’m sad. There’s really no other way to say it. My fears are still there. I still think all my children have cancer if they are tired, not hungry, have a fever, a bruise or a headache. There is still a lot sadness mixed in with the happiness. There is still a lot of faith, a lot of love and a lot of hope. God lifts us when it seems impossible…He continues to reveal Himself in ways I cannot even fathom. I know He’ll be there next week, and I picture Webb sitting on His lap, looking down at all of us as the boys start school. Smiling and pointing and telling Jesus how proud he is of us. We trusted in Him, and found new strength….now we will soar high on wings like eagles, we will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint.

He will feed his flock like a shepherd.
He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart.
He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young. Isaiah 40:11