Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Grief

Let me tell you something about grief. It finds you. It tracks you down. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I will be going about my day, wading through the motions, and it will hit me like a ton of bricks. Reminding me I am still a mother who lost her child. Reminding me it will never be the same. Reminding me he's not coming back. I have times where I feel like I'm going to be ok. Moments when I look at Bo and Whit and see all I have instead of all I have lost. And then it pulls me under like a strong current: one child is missing.

Bo is still asking questions about Webb, which makes me happy because it means he has not forgotten. Last night, I was laying next to him before he went to sleep, and he said, "Mommy, do you ever get sad?" I said, "Sure I do." He replied, "When you think about Webbie?" and I told him, "Yes, that makes Mommy very sad." He thought for a second and then told me, "Mommy, people get sick. When Webbie is up in the sky with Jesus, he's happy and not sick. When he is down here, he is very sick." I agreed with him, interested in his perspective on things. And then he said, "Mommy, we are so sad Webbie is not here. But Webbie is happy!" You know, out of all the things I have read, all the things people have told me, Bo's words were some of the most reassuring words I have heard. Maybe because it's so obvious. Maybe because the simplicity of a three year old makes it seem like it's ok for babies to be in heaven and not with us. I don't know why. But he was right, Webb is happy even though we are sad. And last night, that didn't seem as strange as it sometimes does.

4 comments:

  1. Wow. That is awesome. In the humility and simplicity of a child, God speaks profound and healing truth.

    I second what you shared about grief, too. Just this weekend I was whisked away, unwillingly into an emotionally heavy time of reflecting on loss. I'm just trying to let it run its course, (since there's nothing else I can do!) knowing it won't hold me under forever. I felt like God gave me Isaiah 35 as a comfort. The whole chapter speaks, but I especially like the last bit, "Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing WILL flee away." That day will surely come.

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  2. Ashley, what profound words came from your child!
    How right Bo is that Webb is happy!! How precious
    to receive comfort from your son. His faith is pure, simple and trusting and untainted by the world. I believe God spoke through him to bring your hurting heart some comfort and joy. You
    continue in my prayers. "Morning by morning, new
    mercies I see...Great is His faithfulness".

    In His grace,
    Sue (tsellis@hughes.net)

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  3. Ashley,
    You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.
    Sherry (Brad's sister)

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  4. I have read your words and cried many a tear for you though I do not know you. I would wish that each person who reads your story could help in some way carry your pain so that it would be lighter. I hope that this Blog will be your black box. I wish you peace and hope and the ability to feel the joy again without guilt, and to never forget one precious moment with your sweet boy because I understand if you are afraid to forget.

    I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold
    He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, and all your joys in the gold."

    I heeded his words, and in the two boxes
    Both my joys and sorrows I store,
    But though the gold became heavier each day
    The black was as light as before.

    With curiosity, I opened the black
    I wanted to find out why
    And I saw, in the base of the box,
    A hole which my sorrows had fallen out by

    I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
    "I wonder where my sorrows could be."
    He smiled a gentle smile at me. "My child,
    they're all here with me."

    I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
    Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
    "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
    The black is for you to let go."

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