Monday, December 28, 2009

A Long December and there's Reason to Believe Maybe this Year will be Better than the Last....

We lived through December 26, 2009. How was it? Well, better than December 26, 2008, but still very, very difficult. How is it possible that Webb has been gone a year? One year ago today, we were attending the funeral of my almost 19 month old baby. Zac and I kissed his casket and then sat in a packed church while our friends and family sat shocked, sad, scared and unbelieving behind us. I remember it well - too well. I remember what I was thinking, what I was wearing, the outfit we picked out for Webb - all of it. After that, I remember little from the next several months. Thank God for that. This year, we did not know how to celebrate Christmas, but with a 4 and 2 and a half year old, we didn't have a choice. We knew staying here would make it almost impossible to give our children the "Merry" Christmas they deserve. Although they know Webb died, they have no idea it happened on December 26, or even what those dates mean. So instead, we packed up on December 22 and went to Disneyworld until last night. It was the best decision we have ever made. It is hard to be depressed when you are watching your children have that much fun. And we each took time out of our day on December 26 to honor Webb. Two of my best friends surprised us by making each Zac and me a spa appointment that day, which gave us each time to be alone, relax, reflect and think about Webb. Luckily, my "spa therapist" asked no questions when I cried throughout the pedicure. I wasn't really sobbing - just kind of leaking. Tears were coming fast and furious. It was a nice release. And to be honest, it was nice spending those days with just Zac, Bo and Whit. We escaped all family drama associated with Christmas, which was actually refreshing. And I knew in my heart no one except us would truly be able to honor December 26 and the emotions of that day. We would not have been able to pretend like it wasn't happening, yet we would not have wanted to cry all day in the presence of others. For us, Christmas means something different now, and being around people that don't understand that would have been tough. We did it our way, and because we know ourselves well, that is what worked. We returned home last night, exhausted and happy for the joy we gave Bo and Whit. They thought today was Christmas and had fun setting out cookies for Santa last night and playing with all their toys this morning. For all the dread and leading up to this time of year, I am proud of how it turned out. Nothing will erase the sadness associated with this time, but we have to make sure our children still have Christmas. What I am feeling truly blessed for is the prayers that carried us through a difficult month, week and day. I cannot think of one person in my life that is important to me who did not reach out with a phone call, text, email, Facebook message or card in the days leading up to December 26. That is incredible. You have no idea how much gestures like that mean to me. It reminded me of why I have been able to survive this horrific year - this support system around me is the most incredible gift I could have ever asked for. Thank you for your prayers, for loving me and my family and for helping me during this most difficult time.

4 comments:

  1. Ashley, you have no idea how much my heart has been praying for you over the past year but especially over the past month. I am so proud of you, honored to share in your journey through your blog. You, Zac, Bo, Whit and sweet Webb have been on top of my heart and prayers and you will continue to be - thanks for sharing your heart - know how much you are thought of and loved from afar.

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  2. I read both yours and Katie's blogs daily...how fitting to log onto yours and see her sweet comment above. The words she said could not be more true....I too have been praying for you and your amazing family all year, but especially this past month. My heart was heavy and full of love for all of you on Saturday, as not a minute went by where I didn't think of you all. I too am so thankful for you sharing your journey w/ us all. What an inspiration you are to all who know you...and all who admire you from afar. All my love - Heather Rutherford

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  3. You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for some time. I have been praying especially hard for you this week and will continue to do so. God bless you and your family.

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  4. You don't know me either, but I also follow your blog and was thinking about you this holiday season...even long before December 26th was creeping up. I would drive along and see Christmas decorations on people's houses and think of how unfair that is for you and your family. I think it's absolutely wonderful that you all did something so special for Christmas this year. I know it meant a lot and was important for you all to celebrate in your own way.

    God Bless and I hope you find many reasons to smile in 2010. You deserve it.

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