Ugh- I have been so bad about posting lately! For my Lenten discipline this year, I chose to give up all internet and emailing after work. Nothing at home. It has been difficult to say the least. My job is not conducive to being cut off to the outside world. However, that is the purpose of a Lenten discipline, to be uncomfortable, so I have suffered through it. The odd thing is, at a time where I am supposed to feel very close to and connected to God, I am going through something a little different. I am feeling disconnected. Not abandoned, not forsaken, just disconnected. I have certainly been in that phase before, but not since Webb died. I have to keep reminding myself this is a relationship and it is normal to have some disconnect. God and I have been through an intense 15 months together, and one of us was likely to pull away. This time, it was me. I still feel His presence, and I still talk to Him, but right now I am feeling a little off. I know I will get back on track and I am not worried. It is just the latest in how I'm feeling, which I always promised I would report truthfully to those of you who still follow me. (Does anyone still follow me? Who knows...but this blog has been such a wonderful outlet for me, I don't care if I'm the only one who reads it. :))
My grief is still extremely intense. I feel it and him all around me, all the time. Every trip I take, I imagine what it would be like if Webb were there. Every time I buy the boys a new outfit or new pair of shoes, I think, "I should be buying this for Webb, too." Every picture still has a giant hole. My heart still has a giant hole. It DOES NOT go away. I am not surprised by that, but I guess I thought the intensity of it would subside after a time. It has not. I will find myself pulled under by grief often and forcefully, and I never know when it will strike. It is troubling and unsettling, yet it is here to stay. My "whys" are still there. I don't understand. It's too big. I miss him too much.
Someone recently sent me this poem and it spoke so closely to how I feel....and it reminds me now matter how much I disconnect, no matter how much I pull away, my need for God is still evident.
Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
AbsolutelyClear.
- Hafiz
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Ashley, I still follow your blog. You are an amazing person and mother. Thank you for writing your true feelings done. I am sure you are helping more people than you will know.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you always,
Kelly Wardrop (Willson)
Still following and think of you often. (I have twins.)
ReplyDeleteAshley, You asked if anyone was still reading your blog. I am. I came across your blog a few months ago. We don't know each other and I've never posted before, but I wanted you to know that I pray for you and your family and your search for your new normal. You have touched my heart. Prayers from Kansas.
ReplyDeleteI too still follow your blog, and I too am in Kansas (just like the last commenter). I appreciate your honesty. You're right...in a relationship, there are times of disconnect. But, always know that God will NEVER disconnect from you. He's always there -- no matter what!
ReplyDeleteI still follow you, Ash - always will.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Dana
I check and read your blog each time you post, I will always follow where you are in this process. Always praying for you and thinking of your strength!
ReplyDeleteI still follow you, Ashley. Your strength is beyond comprehension to me - it's been such a blessing to me. You and your family still remain in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteAshley, I still follow your blog and continue to pray for you and your family. We're family and I feel like I've gotten to know you so much better through your blog postings. I'm just sorry that it took such a tragic loss to get to know you. Always remember that you have a big extended family and we care very deeply for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm still here, too. :) Love, Adrienne
ReplyDeleteAshley, we are your silent supporters and always will be. You and your family are never very far away from our thoughts and prayers. We are so deeply grateful for your words and honesty within this blog... for so many different reasons. Mine is to try to understand what a friend of mine is going through and how to be a better friend to her. I value your opinions. In the past, I would have never approached a mom with such a devastating loss (for fear of saying something inappropriate). Today, I wouldn't think twice to simply say hello... because of your blog.
ReplyDeleteHey honey--Of course I still read and love your blog! I'm so grateful for this window into your soul so I know a little better how you're holding up. Love & prayers- Claire
ReplyDelete