Fear

I am scared.  So scared.  Scared of losing someone else.  Scared of feeling this way my whole life.  Afraid to believe something good is going to happen.  Afraid I will forget all the details of Webb's 18 months.  Scared the memories of the hospital will haunt me forever.  Sometimes, I still get that elephant on my chest feeling, and I'm afraid I might be having panic attacks again.  I am so tired of being scared.  I know it is out of my hands.  I trust that God is taking care of us and this will make sense one day.  But that does not ease the fear.  That does not stop the waves of panic when I think about all we have been through and all we have yet to go through.  Bo and Whit are only 3 and 2.    I have the rest of my life to worry about something happening to them.  And so much could happen.  I know I can't live my life like that.  I know it will do me no good to imagine all the horrible things that could happen.  But something about having your worst nightmare come true will do that to you.  I have so much love, so much pain, and so much fear.  It is an unnatural, terrifying mix of strong emotions.  How much more strength can I have?  How much more heartache could I bear?  I don't want to know the answer to that.  If God only gives us as much as we can handle, I have to believe we are full.  But I am still scared.