Sunday, May 17, 2009
Fear
I am scared. So scared. Scared of losing someone else. Scared of feeling this way my whole life. Afraid to believe something good is going to happen. Afraid I will forget all the details of Webb's 18 months. Scared the memories of the hospital will haunt me forever. Sometimes, I still get that elephant on my chest feeling, and I'm afraid I might be having panic attacks again. I am so tired of being scared. I know it is out of my hands. I trust that God is taking care of us and this will make sense one day. But that does not ease the fear. That does not stop the waves of panic when I think about all we have been through and all we have yet to go through. Bo and Whit are only 3 and 2. I have the rest of my life to worry about something happening to them. And so much could happen. I know I can't live my life like that. I know it will do me no good to imagine all the horrible things that could happen. But something about having your worst nightmare come true will do that to you. I have so much love, so much pain, and so much fear. It is an unnatural, terrifying mix of strong emotions. How much more strength can I have? How much more heartache could I bear? I don't want to know the answer to that. If God only gives us as much as we can handle, I have to believe we are full. But I am still scared.
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I have been reading a book on prayer and have dogeared and underlined so much of the book; one page on living with unanswered prayer came to my mind after reading your post tonight. On that page, the author compares God's plan to a leisurely opera - mournful phrases of the opera may make the music seem unbearably sad but onward it moves with deliberate speed and great effort. He reminds us that faith calls us to trust in a future-oriented God; that no matter how circumstances appear at any given moment, we can trust in the fact that God still rules the universe and that that divine reputation rests on the solemn pact that one day all shall be well.
ReplyDeleteOne day Ashley will be well and the fears will subside, I pray and believe this with all of my heart.
A big, big hug and lots of love, Alison B.
Please read Randy Alcorn's book on "Heaven". It will give you such a neat perspective - a hopeful, joyful one.
ReplyDelete"You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind (both its inclination and its character) is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You and hopes confidently in You. So trust in the Lord - commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him - for ever; for the Lord God is an everlasting rock -- the Rock of Ages." Isaiah 26:3,4 (Amplified version)
"Do not let your hearts be troubled (distressed, agitated (I have to think of a washing machine out of control here - debby) ). You believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely on God, believe in and adhere to and trust in and rely also on Me." John 14:1 (Ampl) Christ says to you, "Trust Me...TRUST Me!"
One more:
"Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything by prayer and petition (definite request) with thanksgiving continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace (be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace) which transcends all understanding, shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7 Amp)
Lord, I pray these Scriptures for Ashley. Speak peace to her. Drive all fear from her.