Lately....

I have been dealing with dilemmas lately I never thought I would have to deal with.  Dilemmas no mother should ever face.  Because I have been back to work, assimilated back into the real world, I am faced with the real world situations I have been dreading.  Last week was particularly hard.  I had three people ask me how many children I have.  Because these were people I have never met and am not particularly planning on dealing with much, I answered, "Two."  Of course, this came with guilt, but right now, it's the easiest answer.  What should I say?  Three?  Then I would face the dreaded follow up questions...boys or girls?  Oh, twins!!  How old are they?  Then I would inevitably have to explain Webb, and can you imagine doing that to a complete stranger?  The awkwardness that would follow?  And what if I burst into tears?  So for now, I say two.  It's the easy way out.  I am not strong enough to say something like, "Three, two are living."  I cannot fathom how that answer from a stranger would have affected me five months ago.

I am still haunted with memories of the hospital.  I am still paralyzed with fear and disbelief when I think about all that happened at the end of last December.  I am still trying to find a way to make it different, to change the outcome.  But of course I can't.  I am still trying to blame myself for Webb's tumor....that sounds ridiculous, but I am his mother.  I can't help but think I did something, or didn't do something, to cause it.  I always come back to the same conclusion, it wasn't my fault...I look at his identical twin who had the exact same environment in the womb and out and is perfectly healthy.  It was just a fluke.  Bad luck.  We had the same chance of a child getting a brain tumor as we did winning the lottery.  Why the hell couldn't we win the lottery???

I am still incredibly thankful for Zac, Bo and Whit.  Their mere presence is the medicine I need.  I vaguely remember a nurse telling me they would be what kept us going.  She was right.  Last night I was sitting on the couch, looking at the backs of my two boys' heads, trying to picture Webb sitting there too.  It was such a clear void.  I was remembering the nights when all three of my precious sons were together, laughing and playing.  All of a sudden, as I was picturing these nights and feeling very sad, sweet Whit jumped up and ran over to the couch to sit on my lap.  He didn't say anything, he just sucked his thumb and lay on me until it was time for him to go to bed.  It was something Webb would have done.  And at that moment, I was overcome with the feeling Webb was right there, whispering in his brother's ear to come comfort me.