Tuesday, May 26, 2009

All that I Feel is the Realness I'm Faking

December 26.  Worst. Day. Ever.  May 26.  Not the worst day ever.  Progress?  Today has been 5 months.  5 looooooong, sad, unbearable months.  December to March alone took about 10 years.  We've come so far yet not far enough.  Everything has changed.  We are different.  Next Friday we should be celebrating the twins' second birthday.  I should be planning a party and buying two little "I'm 2!" birthday hats and shaking my head in disbelief that time has gone by so fast.  Instead, we are visiting one child in the cemetery taking the other 2 to the beach where we will try to "get through" what should be a joyous occasion.  I'll only buy one hat and one cake this year.  That's the part that is hard about losing a twin.  A day that means sadness that Webb is not there also means happiness that Whit is.  It will no doubt be a hard and wonderful day the rest of our lives.  I am looking forward to it and dreading it all at once.

Last week, I took the boys to San Antonio to visit my parents.  We went to my dad's baseball games and Sea World and had a wonderful time.  However, I could not help but see the one missing.  No matter how full the days were, the absence of Webb was at the forefront of my mind.  He should be running the bases and hitting off the tee.  He would have LOVED that.  He would have clapped when the dolphins swam by or Shamu jumped out of the water.  There was so much he never got to do.  On the plane ride home, a flight attendant looked at me by myself with the boys and said, "You've got your hands full!"  I smiled a bittersweet smile and agreed.  If she only knew how empty my hands felt.  I am still constantly looking around for the missing child.  I am still automatically trying to take inventory of 3 children, not 2.  These are the things that are ingrained in my brain, the things no amount of reality can change.  The things that make me the most sad.  The things I don't consciously think about.

When I get very upset, I try to remember that Webb only knew love his entire 18 and a half months on Earth.  He went on trips, was cuddled, kissed and hugged every day of his life.  He got to play with great toys and great friends and lived the best life a toddler could live.  Not all children can say the same.  He lived his life knowing nothing about lying, deceit or evil or the other horrible things in this world.  He went from a perfect life here to an even more perfect life in the arms of Jesus.  I know God is in control.  I know when I see Webb again, I will probably think he lived the most charmed life of all my children.  It will all be clear one day, when we see His glory.  So until then, we wait.  We love each other.  And we know while life will never be the way it was before Webb, we can still make the most of our time together.  For him.  Because of him.      

2 comments:

  1. I have been following your blog for several months now and pray for you regularly. I am praying for the Lord to bear you up and heal your heart while you are still here on earth, to give you peace in knowing that He has beautiful Webb with Him and that all is well with him and that you will be reunited with him in God's perfect timing. I pray that God will give you joy in continuing to raise Bo and Whit to God's glory and that He has everything in His perfect control and not one thing can happen apart from His willing it. "Do not fear, nor be afraid, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."Joshua 1:9
    I am a bit older than you and have 2 grown children (both redheads!) and 6 baby grandchildren (all redheads too!) - 4 of them here to still hold, and 2 up in heaven with the Lord. The Lord does all things well, but that does not mean that we do not have great sorrows and pain here.
    My heart goes out to you and cries with you that you have to miss your sweet Webb! I pray that the Lord gives great comfort as you get through each day (one day closer, each day, to being in heaven yourself!) and that He reveals the blessings that He wants to bestow on you through continuing to raise Bo and Whit.
    Thank you for writing about what you are going through so we can pray for you, it is a blessing to be able to do so. We are to bear one another's burdens.
    I will be praying especially next Friday on Whit and Webb's second birthday for you all!
    The Lord bless you!
    Your sister in Christ, Luann in WA

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  2. For some reason, I have been coming back to your post all week - you have definitely been on my mind and on my heart. I have never given much thought to what the song you quoted means although I love the song itself. So, of course, I googled it. One person described the song as capturing the heart-wrenching feeling when circumstances make it impossible for two people to be together - obviously, you did not have to go to google . . .

    I am so grateful to read that you guys are making progress and are starting to feel hope for the future.

    Happy, happy birthday to Whit and Webb - birthdays are so special and I hope the sweet, happy and anticipation outweigh the bitter, sad and dread. Lots of prayers coming y'alls way for safe travels and a very special beach trip.

    Big hugs,
    Alison B.

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