I look at pictures of Webb, and I have the irresistible urge to just hold him. To reach through the picture and grab his chubby legs. To scoop him up and smother him with kisses. Where is he? Can we really go on without him? Wasn't he just laughing? Wasn't he just sitting under the Christmas tree with a ball? Didn't he just learn how to say "Mama"? How can this be happening?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Questions.....
Three months. Is that even possible? I sit and try to think about how much has happened in these three months and my mind cannot even comprehend it. My baby is gone. That is a reality that has not yet registered in my mind. Although I am walking, talking, functioning....I am still so confused, so lost without him. What happened? Did I really have a child die of a brain tumor? How am I still living? Did I really spend three days in the PICU? Did I really hold my child as he slipped out of this world into the next? Who was that woman? Who am I? My birthday is next week. I will be 31. I feel 101. I have learned more, seen more, endured more than any mother, any 31 year old ever should. My worst nightmare came true - I lost a child. What other nightmares are in store? I think about my relationships with everyone in my life and how each have changed. Some for better, some for worse....you really cannot go on this journey without seeing people in a different way. So strange how life's challenges either bring out the best or bring out the worst in others. Do I expect too much out of others? I am not the same....but I do not want to be treated differently. That is a tough standard. Of course very few understand what has happened. I am sure few people don't even want to try and understand it. Being close to me makes it too real...knowing someone who lost a child means it can happen to them too. And then there are those people who have embraced this journey I am on and accepted it with open arms. These are the people who have carried me through the last three months without question, without hesitation. My own personal angels on Earth.
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Ashley, I know your pain is so deep, so raw, so real. Grief comes in waves, sometimes it is quiet and sad and other times, it blasts your heart with torrents of pain. I know for I too have lost a child. On this earth, I don't think that there is a deeper pain. I also know that my relationship with Christ is deeper than the deepest pain. The Bible tells us that He is the God of all comfort. His comfort goes to the places in our heart where no human can go. Yes, my heart will always ache to see, touch and hold my child and I will miss her until the day I go
ReplyDeletewhere she is. But God has shown me treasures that I would never have known if this trial had not come my way. I just want to encourage you that you are not imagining....you are different now....you can never go back to the way you were before Webb's death. You have experienced too much to go back. But you will find as you heal,
that it is a good difference for you will never view life the same again. You will see your loved ones and friends with different eyes. You will appreciate each day and hold it closer to your heart. You will hurt deeper for others that
are suffering. God makes no mistakes and He will use this for good. I am praying for you as I know many others are doing the same...I am so glad you have a support from friends and family.
My sister lost her son shortly before I lost my daughter and we share our heartaches together. There are days when she lifts me up and days when I can be strong for her. Her encouragement
and understanding have been my lifeline. There are others in our lives who don't understand what we are going through and I am learning to be patient with them because before this happened, I did not understand how deeply painful this grief is. Well, I just want you to know that I see myself in your journals and my heart breaks for you. May you be comforted and strengthened with each passing day. Blessings...
A big, big hug for you.
ReplyDeleteWith all of my heart,
Alison B.
Letting you know that someone is praying for you...asking God to give you strength! I love the pictures being added.
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't help you, but I feel every word you wrote. Your words are helping me. Thank you Ashley.
ReplyDeleteAlways praying for you,
Jessica
Tuesday's mom