Contradictions

When I am lost and the tears don't stop,

I find myself waiting, watching, listening, hoping...for what?

I am broken.  Mind, heart and spirit.

One minute, one sentence, one hidden truth changed everything.

I am consumed by this giant hole I keep walking around.

Silence brings thoughts, sometimes thoughts I am not ready for.

Distractions bring momentary shields from the pain.

It is not over.

It will never be over.

I don't want it to be over, I just wish it had never begun.

I surround myself with love,

Yet I feel so deprived.

I am constantly smiling, but it is only so I do not break.

There is no stopping the tears once they start,

And the world is not my therapy session.  

"How are you today?"  What else is there to say besides, "Fine."?

We are so not fine.  

We will never be fine.

We will move forward, we will continue to love and be loved,

But it will never be fine.  

No matter how many days I live, 

No matter how many children I have,

Losing Webb will never be right.

I am not the same person,

But I am not a different person.

I am changed,

But I can't change anything.

I have three children,

But I can only hold two.

I keep moving forward,

But I feel like I'm spinning backwards.

How can I see so much loss and so much gain at once?

How can I be sobbing at a cemetery one minute and laughing at a playground the next?

I am broken, but I am whole.

I am quiet, but I am screaming.

I am thinking clearly, but going crazy.

What a strange place to be....