For those of you following my blog, you may have noticed I have not posted for a few days. I have not fallen off the deep end - thankfully - I was just taking a break. Zac, as I have said before, went on a hunting trip a couple weeks ago and found it helpful to get away. He encouraged me to do the same, and I said no. Then, one of the people we've been talking to told us how important it is to take a vacation from our grieving, which is so mentally and physically exhausting, ...so I thought about it...and I prayed about it, and the next thing I knew, I was on a plane to New Orleans to see Brigitte for three days. Brigitte is the closest thing I have to a sister. We don't have the same parents, but we definitely have the same soul. We have been finishing each others' sentences and reading each others' thoughts for the past 20 years, and I have missed her presence desperately for the past month. She did not leave my side the week after Webb died, and I don't know if I could have made it through that initial state of shock and grief without her. The past three days with her helped more than any medicine could. We laughed, we cried, we analyzed, we stared, and we talked about life, death and the randomness of it all. She kept saying she never thought we'd ever be going through something like this at our age...which, of course, are my thoughts exactly.
Taking a break from the day to day did not lessen the ache in my soul. My grief followed me like a dark cloud all the way from Atlanta. I thought about Webb as much as I always do, and I cried for him and for us as much as I do when I'm at home. However, it gave me a new perspective and also helped draw me closer to "living again." I had another glimpse of what my life with out Webb might look like. I prayed and poured my heart out to God on the plane ride there and home, which is the first time I have been completely alone in a long time. I thought about the future and what I wanted. I didn't make any drastic decisions, but it was nice to just think.
Now it's back to reality, back to the day to day, but it's also great to be back with my boys. I didn't fall apart leaving the comfort of my little world. Another hurdle accomplished.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty and insight - as much as you say it is healing for you, you are a true inspiration to me in your faith and your strength and I'm sure that so many others feel that way as well.
I was with Amanda and her family over Christmas as your tragedy unfolded and read your first post when she sent me your site. I want you to know you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of all the heartbreak and grief you all are dealing with. I confess that I only just caught up on your posts since the first one - I honestly had to prepare myself and find a quiet time (so easy to avoid) to be able to read about and think about all that you are going through.
I have often questioned my faith throughout my life, but I seem to always come back to a similar answer to yours that I have to believe because I do not want to believe in a world without God. Even still, I have not done much in the latest half of my life to seek Him out and I wonder, if I were faced with such a tragedy, would my response be to turn to Him and find comfort or turn away and find bitterness? Your posts have re-opened my eyes to the power of faith and the depth of the strength and wisdom that comes from a close relationship with God. I will pray that I start re-building that in my own life.
I will also keep praying for you and your family - and part of that prayer will be that you find some comfort and meaning to all of this in the knowledge of how your story has touched others.
Love,
Cathy Bafaro