Resurfacing?

It has been 6 weeks.  That sounds like such a short amount of time, but it feels like an eternity since I last held Webb.  Today Whit looked so much like him.  For a minute, I pretended it was Webb, but that could not last long.  There is still a giant hole that no amount of daydreaming can fill.  My baby is gone, and nothing can bring him back.  My feelings are such a mess.  One minute I feel like I am going to be fine, and then next I am bawling my eyes out.  I feel so vulnerable, so detached.  The vivid memories of the hospital and the sequence of events leading to the final hour still haunt me.  I can clearly remember every last second Webb was still with us...I can remember our last moments with him as though they just happened.  After that, I remember very little.  Other than the week we spent in Vail and the three days I spent in New Orleans, the past six weeks are a total blur - almost a black hole in my memory.  One thing I can remember pretty clearly are my dreams.  I have only dreamt about Webb twice - in one dream I was holding him, and in the other I replayed his last three days, but in a different way.  Then I have this dream that repeats:  I am on a dock, or a cliff, and I fall into water.  I go down and down into darkness for what seems like forever until I touch the bottom, and then I shoot back up.  Not too hard to analyze that one, huh??  I hope this means one day I will resurface, but I fear that means I have not yet hit the bottom.  

I am still so confused about God's plan in all of this.  What hurts me the most is that He could have healed Webb, He could have given us our Christmas, lifetime miracle, but He did not.  Why?  I know God is good, I believe it to the bottom of my soul, but I still cannot understand what good could possibly come from leaving us here without Webb.  I know this story has touched so many people, and I honestly want this to change and effect people for the better, but why do we have to make that sacrifice?  It is not fair.  However, it seems when I become angry, it only strengthens my faith in God because I know He is the one who has kept me alive for 6 weeks.  There have been days I have wanted Him to be angry or absent, but He has not failed me.  When I cry out, He comforts me.  When I am angry, I feel Him beside me, almost nodding as though He understands.  Of course He understands.  That has been the craziest part of this entire experience - the One who could have prevented this from happening is the same One I cannot live without, the same One I have bared my soul to and cling to for dear life.  So I know that God is good and I still love Him.  But I miss my baby.  And that will never go away, no matter how many weeks, months or years go by.  I may resurface with a greater amount of faith than I ever thought possible, but it will not take away the pain of simply missing Webb.  Sometimes I do not know how I will live my entire life missing him so much.