Heartache

There has been a darkness in this heartache I have been muddling through that I have not yet spoken of.  In the first few days and weeks, I was so in shock that my heart and mind would only let a tiny bit in at a time.  Then, since the shock has worn off, there are moments when the pain hits full force.  At these times, I cannot sleep, I cannot pray.  I don't think much about the hospital or Webb during these times, but I feel hopeless, helpless, overwhelmed and alone.  That is the feeling I have been living with for the past 2 weeks.  Today is the first day I have even felt close to being ok.  However, that dark, deep place is not far away and I fear it will resurface at any moment.  Mornings are the worst.  I arise from whatever slumber I finally forced myself into, and I am seized with fear, panic and overwhelming sadness.  I know I have not been repressing my feelings about Webb, so it is not as though I am finally dealing with things.  I finally realized this loss produced a hurt that is too much, too significant to get better yet.  It is much like an amputation of limb, I would imagine.  The pain eventually subsides, but you have to get used to living in a completely different manner.  God, who is still speaking in His still, small voice, is not far from me during this despair.  I have had little else to say to him, other than, "Please, help me," but His presence is there, which is a great comfort.  Grief, I have learned, is a complex process with hills and valleys that are indescribable.  As I have said before, the closeness to God is amazing.  The reaffirmation of His existence is life-changing.  Then, on the other side, the pain is indescribable.  Actual heartache.  I never knew such a pain existed.  I recently thought about where we would be in a year from now.  Will we still be in despair?  Will be be smiling more than crying?  I hope so.