Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hope

"I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear.  I remember the days of old.  I ponder all your great works.  I think about what you have done.  I reach out for you.  I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.  Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens.  Don't turn away from me, or I will die.  Let me hear of your unfailing love for me in the morning, for I am trusting you.  Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer."  - Psalm 143: 4-8

For reasons I will not delve into, I have had a rough week.  Suffice it to say it has been one of my toughest.  I have found myself on my knees in prayer, begging God to help me through.  I opened my Bible Sunday night, and this verse was the one I turned to.  Like a chant, I repeated it over and over.  The Lord did not fail me, and I have awakened from this dark time with renewed hope.  Sadness remains, but there is not despair, and that it something I am thankful for.  I miss Webb as much as I did the night we left the hospital without him, maybe even more.  I still ache to hold him and watch him grow.  That will never go away.  However, I am thinking more clearly and more rationally than I have in a long time.  We are missing an irreplaceable part of our hearts and soul, but we are still a family; we are still whole.  In fact, I have never felt more love for or from my husband and children as I do right now.  We have gone to the depths of our souls and seen the darkest part of life , and we are still alive, we are still together and we still have our faith.  Praise God.  He is good.  He will not turn away during our time of need.  As horrible as this time has been, and as awful as I will forever feel about losing my baby, knowing God will not leave during our worst times has brought an indescribable peace.  Step by tiny step, He is getting us through this pain.  We will laugh again.  We will not always feel such a heavy pain in our hearts.  It may take a long time, but knowing there is something on the other side is a comfort.

Thanks for the continued prayers.  Many people have asked me how Jamelle is doing - she is still sick.  Pray for her healing and for the doctors' wisdom.  We miss her very much, and the boys ask about her every day.  Pray that we all continue to heal and grow as a family during this horribly difficult time.  We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends praying for us and helping us along.  We could not do it without you.  

7 comments:

  1. Ashley,
    I read your blog daily...regardless if there is a new post or not. And without fail, I find myself in tears every time. Sometimes, I am crying because my heart aches for your loss...for the unimaginable pain you and Zac are feeling. Other times, I cry because I am in complete and utter awe at your faith and how God is working in you. You are so right...you WILL laugh again, you will not always feel this horrible amount of pain. Hold dear to those thoughts and know that not a day goes by where I don't whisper your name to our Lord!
    ALL MY LOVE...and then some,
    Heather Rutherford

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  2. Ash, just wanted to let you know I love you and think about you every single day, many times. I am so proud of you. Your faith continues to amaze and inspire me. Love you - Adrienne

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  3. Ashley, You made my day! It was so good to read your new post that was filled with encouragement and hope. The Lord has shown Himself strong and has come with the soothing balm of comfort and healing. It is an answer to all our prayers. I have cried out to Him and asked that He hold you close and help you in the darkest hour. How I do praise Him! Prayers continue as you walk this path of grief....how precious that you have the love of your husband and children. What treasures they are to you! May God continue to strenghten and guide you in the days ahead. He will never, never leave you alone and He restoreth your soul.

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  4. Praise God, Glad to hear that you are feeling better and are heading in the direction that we all have been praying for. When your family sees you feeling better, then that will make everyone start feeling better, because as the ole saying goes, " When MOMMY is sad, everybody is sad" God will continue to answer all our prayers and you will start to feel human again instead of feeling like a zombie. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. Just keeping trusting in God and he will see you through the rough times...

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  5. Hi, Just came across your blog via a comment you left on, go blog yourself. Seems we have something in common...3yr twin. cancer, grieving. I am sad I have to keep meeting mommy's in this group yet maybe we can encourage each other. We just started our 3rd yr. without Joel, the first year was shock, numb, the 2nd year since the numb , shock wore off the pain was more intense and now as we begin the 3rd year, I think I can say there is some sense of feeling, I can go on living and seeking to minister to the family the Lord has given, so I am encouraged! May the Lord be ever so present with you as you navigate through each day....He will!!!!!
    Cindy
    www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

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  6. That is an awesome verse. I have found myself in need of God's word at times & open my bible to the right verse every time. You & your family are definitely in my prayers. Keep trusting in God even during times that we do not understand His plan.
    Jenny

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  7. I just want to come along side and be a sort of "cheerleader " for you, when I read how you got the scripture and read and you were refreshed, this is what it is all about, us mommy's coming before Him, all crumpled up and broken and allowing Him to do His work of grace in our hearts. Just keep doing this, reading, listening, crying out to Him, allowing His truth to spill over all the broken cracks of your heart. I am speaking from the experience of as you know our journey too, of all the ways others and folks so generously sought to help, the scripture was and is even today my true source of moving ahead. I am so thankful that the Lord gave you this verse, just keep holding that one and He will give another and another, just like stepping stones.
    Thank you for stopping by....

    Cindy (Joel's mommy)
    I am not sure what account this might show up in, maybe my daughters
    www.weloveyoujoel.blogspot.com

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