About a hundred times a day, I am asked how I feel (which I don't mind). There is no way to accurately describe how I feel. As I have said, each minute I experience a different emotion. Sometimes it is pain, sometimes fear, sometimes sadness, and sometimes a little bit of all of those. I rarely feel good, but there are times I am ok. Bo and Whit have brought many smiles. They are at such precious ages, and we are trying to enjoy it and remember what we can from this time in their lives in spite of our broken hearts. Whit is talking and laughing more than ever, and I thank God he is too young to know the loss he has suffered. Our children are doing great, which is the most important thing to us. As for Zac and me, God is still carrying us along, and we are grateful for His presence. We are appreciative of prayers, and we still need them desperately.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Worn Out
For the past week or so, it appears I have been out of words. I am having a hard time expressing my latest surge of emotions. I have suffered from sleepless nights and anxious days and the visions of the hospital have been clearer than ever. Like a bad nightmare, I replay the events leading to Webb's death over and over until I cannot think about it anymore. It has created a vicious cycle of anxiety and insomnia, and I am exhausted. Physically and mentally, I am worn out. I do not know where I will find the energy to continue this grief. Somehow, I know we will go on. Somewhere, I see a light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel. However, the pain I am experiencing and the thought of this pain continuing is a little daunting.
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Dearest Ashley,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. As a mother of young children, I can not begin to imaging the pain, grief, anguish you and your husband are feeling. As a nurse, I have seen first hand that cancer is the great equalizer, it cares not your age, race, religion, or socio-economic status. But that statement has never been as real to me as it has since I have been following yours and another family's blog. I don't even know you, but I am proud of you. Proud of the way you are fighting to live, fighting to continue to be a good mother to your children. Please know that even as a stranger, you and your family are in my prayers and in my thoughts. I wish I could say that it will get better or easier, but I don't know. So please continue to fight. You are worth it, your marriage is worth it, and your kids are worth it.
All the best,
Melissa, Texas
Ashley, you are a grieving mother and you are experiencing the darkest of human emotion. I know there are times that you feel that you cannot keep going, but you will, one hour, one day at a time. You will always miss Webb, but the pain does get better and doesn't feel so raw, so dark, so deep. But it takes time, but you are still in the early days of grief. I am still praying for you and I know there are many others that are praying. Each day you will find that morning by morning,you will see new mercies of God. His comfort is there and He knows your grief better than anyone. He loves you and He loves your family and He loves Webb. I have never met you but I love you for we have both experienced the pain of losing a precious child. I send a warm hug your way.
ReplyDeleteBecause He lives!