Lately, I find myself aching for the future instead of the past. I wonder how I will describe Webb to Whit, who will certainly always be curious about how he would have turned out if he had known his twin brother. I am sad for all the things Webb will never do, like ride a bike, go to kindergarten or get married. And I am starting to fear losing someone else that I love. I find myself pleading with God to not let anything happen to Zac, Bo or Whit, begging Him not to put me through another heartbreak. I am still just as confused as I was a few weeks ago about why some people are spared this type of pain and others go through even more suffering than I.
I used to marvel at how blessed my life was. A wonderful husband, three precious children. I used to feel so full...and now I feel such emptiness. I try to tell myself, I still have the wonderful husband, and I still have Bo and Whit, and that does make me feel a little better, but I also know we are all forever changed. How long with this empty feeling stay in my heart? When will I be able to get through one minute without seeing all I have lost? I have often thought I will look back at this time in my life and feel something more than sadness. I hope one day I will fully appreciate the closeness I now feel to God and the intense feeling of unconditional love that has been showered on my family by everyone in our lives. But right now, I still feel emptiness more than anything else. And that is something only God can fix. I know I have to walk through this pain, but it is so hard to move with such a heavy weight on my heart.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteYou will not always feel this way. You are right, you will never be the same but it won't always hurt this much. And remember that only your time here on Earth seperates you from sweet Webb. Seems like so much right now, but you get to spend eternity with him. And from where he sits, I'm sure he is anxious for you to see Glory as he sees it.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
This promise above is for all of us when Jesus comes for us. Webb is already there.
We have never met, but as my sister in Christ I have (and will continue) to lift you up to the very throne of God in prayer.
Love from Bham....
Just wanted to let you know you all are in my thoughts today. I know it must be hard to believe it's already been a month. I hope the months to come find your emptiness being replaced with a fullness of enjoying happy times with Bo, Whit and Zac and celebrating and remembering Webb. Keep believing that God is going to give you the strength to press on - He will and you will.
ReplyDeleteAlison
Hey Ash. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Zac - especially on this day. I also want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us. I am thankful not only because I know it provides a much needed outlet for you, but also because of how much it touches all of those who are reading. Your faith is amazing, and God will continue to carry you and your family through this.
ReplyDeleteLove you. DeAnn