Missing Webb

I woke up today and my soul felt sick.  I miss my baby.  Although I have to remind myself of Webb's death every morning, I don't always wake with such a sense of dread.  Today I did.  I miss his dimple and the way the top of his hair curled in crazy directions.  I miss the way he would curl up on my chest and stay there because he knew I loved to cuddle.   I miss his laugh and the way he'd lift his arms in the air and say, "Up," when he wanted to sit with me.  Today when I look at Bo and Whit I see the one that's missing.  I think about all the days ahead, how they will never know Webb and may not even remember him, and I am very, very sad.  I went through about 100 pictures today, starting from the twins' birth, up until a couple weeks before Webb died, just to remind myself of those happy days when I had all three of my sons.  I have heard the expression, "Hanging by a thread," and often that is how I feel.  I find myself obsessing and concentrating on something, anything, but the awful truth...Webb is not coming home.  When I go get Whit up from his nap in a couple hours, Webb's crib will still be empty.  It's almost harder to process now than it was at first...this harsh reality that is now my life.  I watch as everyone else's lives go on and we remain stuck, and I wonder, will it always feel like this?  "No," everyone says, "Time will ease your pain.  You will feel better soon."  I have to believe that is true, but I never thought I would literally need to heal my soul, the deepest part of my heart.  Only God can do it, that much I know.  I am clinging to Him right now, asking him to hold my baby close, asking Him to help ease this physical, resounding pain inside my body.  I would give anything to see Webb's blue eyes again.  In the hospital, I would open them and memorize the color, even though I probably didn't have to because they are identical to Whit's.  But I did.  Did he hear our last words to him?  Can he see us now?  I have so many questions that will never be answered.  This is not fair, I keep thinking.  No one loses their baby....except they do.  Many people feel just as I am feeling, and somehow they are still going on, so there must be a way to do it.  I am so thankful for the people in my life I am close to.  I feel overwhelmed with love as each friend calls, send a card, texts or emails to check on me.  Those people are keeping my head above water right now, and I don't know what I would do if they were not there.  I think many people (including myself before I was in the situation) are afraid of saying the "Wrong" thing or think giving us our space is what we need.  Thank goodness for those of you who have not done that, because I would be lost without you.  I may not answer or respond, but I have felt your love in each of your sweet messages.  Zac and I want to again thank everyone for prayers...we need them now just as much as we did 22 days ago.  I can't believe it's almost been a month....