Scanning

I have always been fascinated with psychics, dreams and spirits.  Not in a sacrilegious way, just in a curious way...especially because I have always felt like I have a "sixth sense."  I can often sense when my loved ones are going through something, and sometimes my dreams are outright eerie the way they come true.  So I do believe that certain people have the gift of reading psyches, which is why, in August I stumbled into a psychic's office while Zac and I were vacationing in Aspen.  I gave her my watch to hold, and after a moment, she looked at me and told me, in a nutshell, I was very sad, inconsolably sad, and I would be taking a leave of absence from work.  She also told me I loved my children passionately and said, "you have 2 children, right?"  I told her, "No, I have 3," and she looked at me quizzically, almost unbelieving and replied, "Hmmmm."  I left thinking she was crazy and extremely inaccurate.  I wasn't sad at all.  I had 3 children, not 2.   I loved my job...why in the world would I take a leave of absence??  Four months later, everything she said is now true.  

Zac and I saw Dr. M today, who is a very smart, religious psychologist and a person we have visited with before, and I told him about my experience with the psychic.  He smiled a knowing smile and said I must be very in touch with my "Self," because that psychic was not just able to see my future, but she saw through to my inner psyche, which was preparing me for what was to come.  To him, that also explains why I had a strange, obsessive fear of losing a child and became almost panicky the last few months before Webb's death when I was away from my children.  I asked him who he thought prepared our inner selves for these fateful moments, and he said it is certainly God, but some people just have a better sense of His preparations.  What a bizarre concept.  I am not saying I entirely believe that theory, but it something to think about...needless to say, I won't be visiting any psychics again anytime soon just in case.

Today, after talking with Dr. M and spending the rest of the day with Bo and Whit, I am feeling rather exhausted.  Grief is a taxing emotion.  Like I told Dr. M, I feel like my mind is like the scanner on the radio, and I never know on which feeling it will stop.  One hour, I am deeply sad, the next, angry as hell, the next calm and hopeful.  Today has been a day of constant scanning.  

I reread my devotional for December 28, the day of Webb's funeral, because, like my dreams, my devotional entries are eerily on point most of the time.  That entry was no exception.  It talked about the 23rd Psalm and David learning that no matter how dark the way is, the Lord is there to guide us.  It is far better to walk through the valley with God than stand on the mountaintop alone.  He doesn't always light the path ahead, but promises to be there in the darkness.  It also had this line, which I find very poignant at this time: " You get to know the Lord by going through storms with Him."  So maybe the purpose of all of this is to know God better.  Maybe after hitting rock bottom and turning our souls inside out, we will know God better than we ever have before, better than we could have ever imagined.  While that certainly does not make Webb's death any easier to swallow, it is a thought that brings me peace.  I want to know everything about the Lord who will be watching over my red haired boy until I see him again.   And I can't think of any relationship more important or worth strengthening than the one we have with God.  So while my mind scans to that thought, I am again calm and hopeful.