Starting Over

For the past week, we have been in Vail, Colorado starting the dreaded, necessary healing process.  There have been good days and bad days since we've been here.  On one hand, it is amazing to be able to stop our lives and come to such a beautiful place to reflect.  On the other hand, without the daily distractions, my mind is filled with images of the past, the 3 endless days we spent in the hospital, the voices of the doctors and the horrific end result of walking out of Scottish Rite without our baby.  I have shed tears and been almost physically ill from the pain of these memories.  Whit , who is so full of life, will make an expression or laugh just like Webb, and we are in tears again.  Bo keeps asking when Webb is coming home, and we endlessly try to explain to him that he is not, and we he says he doesn't understand, I have to admit I usually tell him I don't understand either.  Tomorrow we are headed back to Atlanta, which will be hard to be surrounded by Webb's things again, the empty crib, his favorite toys, his shoes that I just cannot keep staring at.  I am a big believer in "signs," and since Webb's death I have asked God for something, anything to assure me he has my baby and we will see him again.  I was on the couch, bawling and asking God for this on Monday night, staring blankly at the TV, when all of the sudden the credits to some show started rolling and the first name was "Matthew Webb."  Ok, God, not much, but it's a start!  That night as I slept very soundly, I could almost feel his presence and woke with a smile for the first time in 19 days.