heaven

I have been thinking a lot about heaven.  I have asked many of my friends their opinions on heaven...what does it look like?  Do we instantly meet up with our loved ones?  Are we walking around in our bodies?  Is there an actual place we all live?  I know there are glimpses into what heaven is like in the Bible, and I know there have been people who have died and come back and described it.  Everyone talks about the light, the feeling of warmth... But now, more than ever, I find myself wondering exactly where Webb is.  There is no one in heaven he has met.  Zac and I have grandparents there, but none of them knew Webb.  I know they have managed to find him if there is a way, but I often wonder....who is Webb with in heaven?  Because Webb dying before us was such an unnatural progression, I never really thought about it before now.  You always think about heaven as the place you'll go and see all those who have gone before you : grandparents, great grandparents, parents...you never really think about your child going before you.  I know in my soul that Webb is ok, that there must be a special place for children in heaven because Jesus so loved the little children.  But who is taking care of him?  After all, I am his mother, and I'd like to know.  I wonder if he can see us, or check in on us?  I wonder if he'll "be there" when Bo graduates from high school or Whit gets married.  I wonder if I'll feel him, really and truly feel him during all those moments when my heart is aching for him to be there.  I hope so.  It seems there is such a thin little veil separating us from the spiritual world.  I always believed in heaven, but now I feel a strong sense of having to know what it is.  I am his mother...it is not natural for your child to be somewhere away from you in a place you've never seen.  I am his mother...I should know where he is at all times.  I beg God every night to hold him close, to keep him safe.  Yet I know there is no such thing as being scared in heaven.  I understand he is in a place of no pain, a place where we would all like to be.  That does bring me comfort, but it is not what my heart wants today.  I want him here.  With me, with his father, with his brothers.  I want to be taking care of him still...he's just a baby!  I am his mother!!  I do not understand this plan.  I never will.  God is going to have to hear these questions out of me for the rest of my life on Earth (and probably for the first few days I am in heaven, if He'll listen).  I hate being separated from my child.  That is what is so hard about this entire thing.  I am longing to be with Webb, but to do that I would to have to leave Bo and Whit.  It is just not natural to separate a mother from her child.  I used to hate to be away from them for more than a couple hours.  It is unbearable to think about not being with one for 50 or more years.  My faith gets me through the days and nights, and I think, what if we did not have this promise of heaven, of eternity?  Well, then there would be nothing.  God does promise us eternity and he does promise to never leave us.  How would we survive if we didn't have those promises?